A Reflective Time

As the days grow cold and time grows old, we approach 2012 with some wonder, mystery and hope.  (Ignore those doomsayers for now.)

Yesterday was certainly a reflective time for me of days and Christmas' of the past.  I remember the many Christmas' at mom and dad's around the most glorious tree, the house decorated from top to bottom with bright Christmas colours, tinsel; the smells of my favourite cookie baking; the squeals of delight from my beautiful blond-headed curly son when he opened his new fire fruck and his new tonka fruck--you get the picture.....he'd tear in head first and just swim amongst the presents, bobbing like a dolphin, feet moving in unison like a tail--lots of laughter, lots of thanks.  Then those great big Christmas dinners when the rest of the family would come over and there would be more laughter, tummies so hard from laughter and turkey and the rest of those good things--almost like we would never eat again and we all swore we never would--and did.  Sometimes, we'd go to mass on Christmas Eve--special nights, beautiful angels singing--magical.  Later as my son got older, I got up earlier, turned on the lights of the tree, put on the coffee and the Christmas music and waited until everyone was ready to get up--at 8 a.m. that was my point of no return.

As my son grew up and I grew up alongside of him, I began to question many of our family traditions and values:  Halloween, mass on Christmas Eve and Easter only, Thanksgiving, Easter, Remembrance Day----and how commercialized the world has become and each holiday is wrapped around the consumer.  It's a one-upmanship between stores to see who can get the next date out before the other.  I think we have Valentine's Day next--probably something in January but who really knows--Old Christmas Day.  Hard to keep track for this aging mind.

This Christmas was a lean one for me and I wasn't feeling well.  I didn't get all my parcels out on time, I didn't get all my presents bought, I didn't get the baking done that I really wanted to do.  This Christmas I had to look after myself.  For most people I told them I was unwell, tired and they accepted that.  I couldn't make myself to go into the crawl space to pull up those 40 years of memories (pictures, decorations, cards)--I bought a few new non-Chrissmassy decorations angels of healing, light and forget me not and I lit candles all over the house--it was beautiful as I sat in the dark in the morning drinking my coffee--it's not light here until around 10:00 a.m. so I had a long time to reflect.  A few tears were shed for  the "ghosts of Christmas' past"--an honouring of my ancestors now that have passed on, an honouring of my memories that continue to haunt, tantalize and tease me into believing today is the day that little blond headed boy will come home and dive amongst the magic of Christmas.

This year was a wonderful year--I cooked the turkey, someone brought the cookies, someone else brought his heart to the table--no gifts were exchanged, laughter was loud, jokes told and we had a very special Christmas Day.  My son also got engaged today.

Times are changing.  It's a time to reflect, wonder and hope for all the goodness that we see, feel and hear in the world--to believe in the goodness of others; to say "I see you" and mean it; to reach out and realize you might not be able to help another person but you can support them by just being with them--side-by-side.

I'm not sure what 2012 holds for me--I would like my heart to beat freer--lighter; I want my legs to be stronger to march into 2012 with my "Rocking Babe" attitude that will define the new me!  All the best in 2012 everyone!