As part of my healing journey I have been considering the people and life events that are important to me. I have been in a period of reflection and perhaps not making good decisions but decisions none the less. I have needed to take time off work to get healthy from my latest mental health fiasco at Christmas and that will likely continue until June as I have some physical health issues that I also need to attend to and will beginning this week--I was experiencing side effects that I thought were drug related and they are apparently blood sugar related--I'm now pre-diabetic. I'm working with a dietician and on Monday I meet with a person who can help me with eating disorders and building back my athletic physique. (3 years ago I looked damn fine, but who wouldn't on eating 500 calories a day and burning 3000 calories in manic exercise)--vegetarian athlete, anorexic athlete, then an anorexic vegetarian that binge exercises--all good fun labels at the time. I didn't start to worry until I began losing 1 pound a day. Yeah--I need to get healthy in all ways.
The first time I dropped to my knees and held my head in my hands, was in 2009. That was a big milestone having (NOT) "dealt" with depression all my life and then coming out of an abusive relationship; my grandmother dying, having a hysterectomy--big year, big consequences. I marked that year with a rose. My parents divorcing in 2005, that's another rose; the birth of a son in 1984; another rose for a life unborn that never that never saw the sun. The final rose, is for me. 2012. 2 + 0 + 1 + 2 = 5 roses. 5 is a significant and powerful number in my life and always has been. A powerful prime number. This year, the significance is that I was born in the year of the Dragon (an even numbered year divisible by 4---1+9+6+4 divided by 4 = 5). Water bearing dragon--good luck dragon. This is the year, I have chosen to heal my wounds and to mark my significant life events on my body in the form of tattoos beginning with my lower left arm. The roses, as one friend so accurately recalled, are my safe place--a place for me to focus--to bring awareness to my actions and thoughts. When I stare at the rose, I recall the pungent fragrance, the beautiful fuchsia leaves, the prickly thistles, and then in the fall, the bright red of ripening of the seeds when they are good to pick for tea, bulging in healing vitamin C and are sweet to taste.
My friends, my memories will be captured by a life tattoo already started. My wild roses came first, next will be northern medicinal plants, berries and shrubs: rosehips, cranberries, juniper, all those healing plants. Memories of my time in the North--as my focus and interest for the last 3 years as I struggled with my mental health issues, my physical issues--I turned to plant identification and medicinal uses of plants.
When I decided to permanently mark my body with a tattoo of strong importance it was not an overnight decision. It took me many years to think of something that was important enough to me that I could connect to. I actually took some pleasure out of shocking people who wouldn't expect me to get a tattoo (mostly my mother--she still doesn't like my nose piercing)--and older friends, that I don't want to show until it is complete. I don't need judgment now. I'm freewheeling the deck I'm dealt--I'm moving with the music strumming inside the head and body. If I want, I shall have--(and I'll be laughing for a long time to come).
High 5 everyone!!! Have a good day! C.
Saturday, 18 February 2012
Friday, 10 February 2012
A House Half Full
for several nights I have been awakening to water rushing into my crawl space, and I listen very carefully before panicking as what I've discovered is another waking hallucination. Every night, I wake to the sound of rushing water, filling up that crawl space and it helps me to think about, "Is my house half empty or is my glass house half full?"
I think it's good to take an inventory of ones life on occasion and I have been contemplating my house half full dream for a few weeks. In past blogs I wrote about the stresses of mental health, and physical health--sometimes the funny crazy things that I'm thinking or dreaming, but I've come to a fork in the road and I've been standing there contemplating which path have I NOT taken.....and if I really want to make that choice--house and life moving from cliche to cliche.
I had one great week, mental health wise, this past month and now I appear to be on a reflective spiral down. There is a sadness that envelops my shell no matter how hard the dog tries to play or the sun shines in my eyes, I am unable to stop it from filling my heart. I think it's time for a change at work, a time for a change in where I live, a time for a change in how I live my life--but I have certain fears that keep me from making decisions that were there before but I didn't let them stop me from moving on or making a move regardless of the outcome.
I am on full-time long-term disability now--I have all 5 work days off. At first, this was something that was a blessing--I couldn't have gone to work, even if prodded with a 5 iron--January 31st there was a break in the weather from 40 below to something that allowed me to get outside in the sunshine, I had heard my mom was coming home from the hospital, I had checked somethings off my list that I hadn't completed in a month or more (small things that give you big satisfaction) and I had so much energy that I was busy from morning til night---go, go, go and even my medications felt like they were right on--my house half full---moving in the right direction. Then, news that mom was delayed in the hospital for the last two weeks, more blood transfusions for her; that my work was placing me on leave without pay and all the things that go with that and assurance companies--thank goodness I did my financial stuff last month otherwise I would be in a pickle. Outside forces are bringing me down and I am tired--exhausted tired.
On the plus side I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love. and I felt hopeful (I'm a sap) and very interested in Ryan Gosling now--do they make men like that?; I picked up my business license, business cards and labels; I've been taking time to write friends notes and cards again--the old-fashioned way as I used to as email makes it difficult to create sincere caring for others. I've gone out to dinner with old friends, I've reconnected with my dad, and I've been out walking in the sunshine for the last week with my pup. I've made good connections towards remaining grounded. I'm trying to focus on the sun shining--I'm looking forward to my walk later. It's -1 today--the sky is melting.... Although I got up this morning and my house was half empty, it now appears to be half full--I just needed to count my blessings--I just need to keep moving forward--thinking forward--thinking sunshine for my day is a good day!
I think it's good to take an inventory of ones life on occasion and I have been contemplating my house half full dream for a few weeks. In past blogs I wrote about the stresses of mental health, and physical health--sometimes the funny crazy things that I'm thinking or dreaming, but I've come to a fork in the road and I've been standing there contemplating which path have I NOT taken.....and if I really want to make that choice--house and life moving from cliche to cliche.
I had one great week, mental health wise, this past month and now I appear to be on a reflective spiral down. There is a sadness that envelops my shell no matter how hard the dog tries to play or the sun shines in my eyes, I am unable to stop it from filling my heart. I think it's time for a change at work, a time for a change in where I live, a time for a change in how I live my life--but I have certain fears that keep me from making decisions that were there before but I didn't let them stop me from moving on or making a move regardless of the outcome.
I am on full-time long-term disability now--I have all 5 work days off. At first, this was something that was a blessing--I couldn't have gone to work, even if prodded with a 5 iron--January 31st there was a break in the weather from 40 below to something that allowed me to get outside in the sunshine, I had heard my mom was coming home from the hospital, I had checked somethings off my list that I hadn't completed in a month or more (small things that give you big satisfaction) and I had so much energy that I was busy from morning til night---go, go, go and even my medications felt like they were right on--my house half full---moving in the right direction. Then, news that mom was delayed in the hospital for the last two weeks, more blood transfusions for her; that my work was placing me on leave without pay and all the things that go with that and assurance companies--thank goodness I did my financial stuff last month otherwise I would be in a pickle. Outside forces are bringing me down and I am tired--exhausted tired.
On the plus side I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love. and I felt hopeful (I'm a sap) and very interested in Ryan Gosling now--do they make men like that?; I picked up my business license, business cards and labels; I've been taking time to write friends notes and cards again--the old-fashioned way as I used to as email makes it difficult to create sincere caring for others. I've gone out to dinner with old friends, I've reconnected with my dad, and I've been out walking in the sunshine for the last week with my pup. I've made good connections towards remaining grounded. I'm trying to focus on the sun shining--I'm looking forward to my walk later. It's -1 today--the sky is melting.... Although I got up this morning and my house was half empty, it now appears to be half full--I just needed to count my blessings--I just need to keep moving forward--thinking forward--thinking sunshine for my day is a good day!
Monday, 6 February 2012
Compartmentalizing Grief
I have been practising compartmentalizing my demons, my ghosts, my inner angst. January was a month of stress, anxiety and change. I'm off work right now. I had some vegetative state time and then I had some good energy time to think about the anniversaries that were coming up, work that eventually I must return to, and goals I wanted to set for the future that would allow me to do something positive with my energy and my life.
I wrote out a list of all my "worries"--everything--black and white. It was a long list for me and like a brainstorm I didn't remove anything until I did something about it. I started with the smallest insurmountable worry and I worked on my list everyday. Everyday, I did something that was achievable by me that in someway, allowed me to free up some space in my mind and allow positive energy to flow into the negative spaces. The list was simple: mail this, contact them, pay this bill, fix your finances, clean your house (find a housekeeper), get off some of the drugs you're on, think about return to work, think about what else you can do, get back to the gym, eat healthier, make an appt for physio, flowers for mom, cards for friends, etc. You can see the list was simple and complex. Walk the dog. Get out of the house in the sunshine....simple and so difficult. What to do about the anniversaries?
Between trying to deal with the mental health issues, an old family friend died, my mother was hospitalized with anemia and internal bleeding--she's still in the hospital.
For one of the anniversaries which was a violation of my person without my permission about 20 years ago, I refused this year to give it any more of my energy. I acknowledged the circumstances, and my feelings, and I compartmentalized the situation so that I could move on. My life has no room for violence and I've put the details in the suitcase and put the suitcase in the closet--I don't need to think about this or give it the strength that I have. There are issues that I still need to deal with and I will with my therapist and it's mostly around building healthy intimate relationships and to let the past continue to be the past.
Another of my anniversaries, is truly private. I devised a small ceremony--a special candle holder, a special angel, and I vow to acknowledge or have a small ceremony every year at the end of January for the passing of innocence. This is a harder anniversary to let go and compartmentalize. I'll work on it.
The deaths of friends in the same weeks, I have acknowledged what they have brought to my life, the stories, the laughter, the friendship--and I'm letting go. They too, have passed on but they are not forgotten. They will always hold a special place in my heart.
Grief is a powerful emotion. If you don't deal with your feelings at the time and stuff them away, you don't know when they will come back. Grief takes away your strength, takes away your words, and can rob you of your mental and physical health. If you look at a lot of unresolved issues in your life, they are related to grief in one form or the other. I like to be strong, I don't want to cry, I have to be strong for others--
In the meantime, one of my strongest memories are of me sitting in a toy box when my son was younger, overwhelmed with grief, screaming, crying and crying and my toddler reaching out to me and we sat in the toy box together. I rocked him, I cried and he comforted me. Memories can be all powerful, we can make them so.
When my grandmother died, I spent time with her before she left, she began to deteriorate very quickly near the end. She was almost 90. I wasn't the only one present and I wasn't there for her last breath, but I was there to hold her hand, give her massages and tell her the time on a clock that no longer ticked. I sat with her shortly after her death, my cousin too, I held her hand as she went from warm to cold--I rubbed her arthritic knuckles and I thought about all that she gave to me in my life. The stories of our ancestors, her life stories, her hands and her love. I recognized all that she had gone through and seen in her life and it wasn't easy for her. Sometimes, it wasn't easy for me. She was the last of her generation in my family, she was my last grandparent to go. I didn't know the others very well. Gram and I wrote a lot of letters and cards back and forth about what was going on in our lives at the time. I had a special relationship with her--we had our outs too--human nature I suppose--and our regrets. Leading up to her passing and once she passed, it was as if all the grief I had stored up in my life, came pouring out. I couldn't stop crying, every spare moment I had I spent in bed--I felt like my whole body had gone into shock--my mind shut down with grief and I could no longer get up from the weight of the depth of such emotion for all of my sorrow pinned me like a butterfly to the four corners of the bed. I wept. May 12, 2009 Gram died and my world fell apart. I miss her, I think about her and through my aunt and uncle I can laugh about her and share memories and stories and that helps me get through those days. I don't ignore the date as if she never lived and passed, I acknowledge the date, I try to be with those positive memories and I compartmentalize so that all of grief does not overtake my life--I know that Gram would not want this to happen for me. I know that she will write me letters for a very long time, until, I too pass and meet her on the other side.
I wrote out a list of all my "worries"--everything--black and white. It was a long list for me and like a brainstorm I didn't remove anything until I did something about it. I started with the smallest insurmountable worry and I worked on my list everyday. Everyday, I did something that was achievable by me that in someway, allowed me to free up some space in my mind and allow positive energy to flow into the negative spaces. The list was simple: mail this, contact them, pay this bill, fix your finances, clean your house (find a housekeeper), get off some of the drugs you're on, think about return to work, think about what else you can do, get back to the gym, eat healthier, make an appt for physio, flowers for mom, cards for friends, etc. You can see the list was simple and complex. Walk the dog. Get out of the house in the sunshine....simple and so difficult. What to do about the anniversaries?
Between trying to deal with the mental health issues, an old family friend died, my mother was hospitalized with anemia and internal bleeding--she's still in the hospital.
For one of the anniversaries which was a violation of my person without my permission about 20 years ago, I refused this year to give it any more of my energy. I acknowledged the circumstances, and my feelings, and I compartmentalized the situation so that I could move on. My life has no room for violence and I've put the details in the suitcase and put the suitcase in the closet--I don't need to think about this or give it the strength that I have. There are issues that I still need to deal with and I will with my therapist and it's mostly around building healthy intimate relationships and to let the past continue to be the past.
Another of my anniversaries, is truly private. I devised a small ceremony--a special candle holder, a special angel, and I vow to acknowledge or have a small ceremony every year at the end of January for the passing of innocence. This is a harder anniversary to let go and compartmentalize. I'll work on it.
The deaths of friends in the same weeks, I have acknowledged what they have brought to my life, the stories, the laughter, the friendship--and I'm letting go. They too, have passed on but they are not forgotten. They will always hold a special place in my heart.
Grief is a powerful emotion. If you don't deal with your feelings at the time and stuff them away, you don't know when they will come back. Grief takes away your strength, takes away your words, and can rob you of your mental and physical health. If you look at a lot of unresolved issues in your life, they are related to grief in one form or the other. I like to be strong, I don't want to cry, I have to be strong for others--
In the meantime, one of my strongest memories are of me sitting in a toy box when my son was younger, overwhelmed with grief, screaming, crying and crying and my toddler reaching out to me and we sat in the toy box together. I rocked him, I cried and he comforted me. Memories can be all powerful, we can make them so.
When my grandmother died, I spent time with her before she left, she began to deteriorate very quickly near the end. She was almost 90. I wasn't the only one present and I wasn't there for her last breath, but I was there to hold her hand, give her massages and tell her the time on a clock that no longer ticked. I sat with her shortly after her death, my cousin too, I held her hand as she went from warm to cold--I rubbed her arthritic knuckles and I thought about all that she gave to me in my life. The stories of our ancestors, her life stories, her hands and her love. I recognized all that she had gone through and seen in her life and it wasn't easy for her. Sometimes, it wasn't easy for me. She was the last of her generation in my family, she was my last grandparent to go. I didn't know the others very well. Gram and I wrote a lot of letters and cards back and forth about what was going on in our lives at the time. I had a special relationship with her--we had our outs too--human nature I suppose--and our regrets. Leading up to her passing and once she passed, it was as if all the grief I had stored up in my life, came pouring out. I couldn't stop crying, every spare moment I had I spent in bed--I felt like my whole body had gone into shock--my mind shut down with grief and I could no longer get up from the weight of the depth of such emotion for all of my sorrow pinned me like a butterfly to the four corners of the bed. I wept. May 12, 2009 Gram died and my world fell apart. I miss her, I think about her and through my aunt and uncle I can laugh about her and share memories and stories and that helps me get through those days. I don't ignore the date as if she never lived and passed, I acknowledge the date, I try to be with those positive memories and I compartmentalize so that all of grief does not overtake my life--I know that Gram would not want this to happen for me. I know that she will write me letters for a very long time, until, I too pass and meet her on the other side.
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Honour Thyself (on the snowy days especially!)
What a concept! If you look after you, you are better able to cope with life's ups and downs. I am spending time at home this month due to not looking after myself last month. I'm trying to regulate my sleep and waking times. I'm following my own advice and reading more, I've lost a few pounds but not because I tried, I made some delicious oat bran granola as it is always good for a snack or a quick meal. I've contemplated my future, it's still a little murky. I know that I can't stay where I am working for too long as it is making me sick--stress. I know that for sure I'm 10 years away from retirement and can afford to retire then--what a relief.
I know that I need to honour myself by taking care of business: play more, dance more, stress out less, keep writing my book--I have everything I need already to more than get started. Sometimes the fun things seem to bring on anxiety though. I want to set realistic personal goals, and I want to meet them. So much to do, so little time. My therapist suggests I continue to stay present. Reflect not on the past, nor project into the future--nurture you in the present and it may just help to clear up a few other problems.
My office, I'm beginning to love. It's becoming one of my favourite places to be--even though I have a bit of cleaning up to do, it's not as daunting as it was before I started. I've been gathering my antiques and putting them in my office and bedroom. Something old, something borrowed and something blue....not just for weddings! (and it all comes together). I have my Smurfs displayed, my candle holders out, my travelling gnome in the travelling section of the bookshelf and all my kids books proudly displayed and ready for me to read again and again. My office is an extension of my bedroom--only a closet separates the two rooms and they are opposite of each other in colours and structure but one is made for comfort and the other made for a bright place in the middle of winter to work in. Somewhere in between, I need to find a space for my felting, or my quilting or anything else that has taken my fancy along the way.
It really is beginning to feel like home to me. A place for my heart, my body and soul to finally rest. It's taken a long time....honour yourself today--do something wonderful for you.
I know that I need to honour myself by taking care of business: play more, dance more, stress out less, keep writing my book--I have everything I need already to more than get started. Sometimes the fun things seem to bring on anxiety though. I want to set realistic personal goals, and I want to meet them. So much to do, so little time. My therapist suggests I continue to stay present. Reflect not on the past, nor project into the future--nurture you in the present and it may just help to clear up a few other problems.
My office, I'm beginning to love. It's becoming one of my favourite places to be--even though I have a bit of cleaning up to do, it's not as daunting as it was before I started. I've been gathering my antiques and putting them in my office and bedroom. Something old, something borrowed and something blue....not just for weddings! (and it all comes together). I have my Smurfs displayed, my candle holders out, my travelling gnome in the travelling section of the bookshelf and all my kids books proudly displayed and ready for me to read again and again. My office is an extension of my bedroom--only a closet separates the two rooms and they are opposite of each other in colours and structure but one is made for comfort and the other made for a bright place in the middle of winter to work in. Somewhere in between, I need to find a space for my felting, or my quilting or anything else that has taken my fancy along the way.
It really is beginning to feel like home to me. A place for my heart, my body and soul to finally rest. It's taken a long time....honour yourself today--do something wonderful for you.
Friday, 6 January 2012
Self-Care in the NOW!
When you're clinically depressed there is a lot of action and non-action going on in the brain--I call it stress. When you realize that you are in a down cycle there are somethings that you should avoid: reading self-help books about depression and anxiety--exploring suicide or other torments on the internet, save your money on self-help books and writing about your traumas and experiences in a journal. What happens is that your stress levels and anxiety heightens, (just like mine is now), and you begin to ruminate about your failures, loss of joy, personal losses, grieving and your self-deprecating thoughts.
In one of my recent ventures (as I am always looking for ways to be well, get my act together and to get back to my old self (I am my old self)), was to take on a course in how to get published in children's literature--in the middle of finishing my term, in the middle of grieving Christmas, in the middle of feeling sad about my relationship with my son--get the picture? I take a short, sweet, totally interesting 24 hour course on publishing over the period of 8 weeks. Perfect! Gives me something to think about other than myself and it puts me looking towards the future--good goal, bad timing.
I don't need to be in the past, I don't need to be in the future, I NEED to be in the NOW. Very liberating. I need to be present. I need to be in the now. What is exactly does that really mean? I've just had a critical breakdown--I thought I had to set goals so I have something to look forward to...My counsellor, who is very bright--suggests that perhaps now is the time to recuperate--to be in the NOW and to put my self-care first! She asks, "What do I do for self-care at this time?"
Well, for the short term, I've put away the knives and I've taken the chairs away from the door--so if you have a key, you can now come and go.
I've put into place a safety net that involves my friends that will come and get my dog regardless of the circumstances, if something should happen and I can't care for myself. OK--my dog's looked after. Check.
What happened during my last episode? I stopped eating and drinking the 3rd day in on the med switch. Causes faulty thinking, dehydration, loss of nourishment--tension.....so now, I make arrangements to go grocery shopping if I need to ( I can't really drive on the interim medications that keep me calm) and to help me to do any running around that I may have to do. I also keep nutrition drinks and nutrition bars in the house for emergencies--when I don't want to eat, or too upset to eat, etc. The hardest part about this situation is that I'm in a position of being dependent on others and that is difficult for me.
I have taken time off work this week in order to recuperate---not easy to do. I have doctor's appointments next week and I'm not sure that I can pull it together at this time. Anxiety.
Part of the self-care is to be selfish.
1. Read books (my form of escapism): I have an awesome digital reader and I stocked up on real books in November. The only part of self-care that I'm missing is the fact that I'm not exercising at this time. I talked to my counsellor about this--I have a lack of motivation, loss of energy and interest--one of the activities that are easy to do (without money, without special equipment) is--ta, da----
2. walking and fresh air and lately, because I've been more housebound (medication, yoga, swimming, etc., whatever you like to do--give it a try just one more time,
3. trying new recipes and trying to include as much fruit and vegetables in them as possible,
4. looking for ready cut veggies and fruit--no effort and I don't have to think about it,
5. Short TIMED naps--if you sleep too long it interferes with night time rhythms---as I'm sure most of you know--but naps/sleeping are another form of escapism for me. I just want to leave it all behind--forget about my stresses and my anxieties--so the longer I sleep/nap---the less I have to deal with when I'm awake.
Also, although no expert, advocacy is important. You need to be your biggest advocate--your loudest spokesperson--but you don't have to do this alone--find a good psychologist or counsellor that you can relate to and that can offer you good sound advice, or call you on it when you're less than honest with yourself or your faulty thinking gets in the way. If you're on medications, don't stop them because you feel better, ask more questions when you feel better--when asked, "How are you feeling?" Be honest. Perhaps you are not on the right prescription for you or the side affects are too great. Make sure you ask to see a psychiatrist--they are few and far between but if there is one in your community, ask for a referral.
The biggest thing about self-care is looking after yourself, however you choose, in the NOW.
For now, everything else can wait.
In one of my recent ventures (as I am always looking for ways to be well, get my act together and to get back to my old self (I am my old self)), was to take on a course in how to get published in children's literature--in the middle of finishing my term, in the middle of grieving Christmas, in the middle of feeling sad about my relationship with my son--get the picture? I take a short, sweet, totally interesting 24 hour course on publishing over the period of 8 weeks. Perfect! Gives me something to think about other than myself and it puts me looking towards the future--good goal, bad timing.
I don't need to be in the past, I don't need to be in the future, I NEED to be in the NOW. Very liberating. I need to be present. I need to be in the now. What is exactly does that really mean? I've just had a critical breakdown--I thought I had to set goals so I have something to look forward to...My counsellor, who is very bright--suggests that perhaps now is the time to recuperate--to be in the NOW and to put my self-care first! She asks, "What do I do for self-care at this time?"
Well, for the short term, I've put away the knives and I've taken the chairs away from the door--so if you have a key, you can now come and go.
I've put into place a safety net that involves my friends that will come and get my dog regardless of the circumstances, if something should happen and I can't care for myself. OK--my dog's looked after. Check.
What happened during my last episode? I stopped eating and drinking the 3rd day in on the med switch. Causes faulty thinking, dehydration, loss of nourishment--tension.....so now, I make arrangements to go grocery shopping if I need to ( I can't really drive on the interim medications that keep me calm) and to help me to do any running around that I may have to do. I also keep nutrition drinks and nutrition bars in the house for emergencies--when I don't want to eat, or too upset to eat, etc. The hardest part about this situation is that I'm in a position of being dependent on others and that is difficult for me.
I have taken time off work this week in order to recuperate---not easy to do. I have doctor's appointments next week and I'm not sure that I can pull it together at this time. Anxiety.
Part of the self-care is to be selfish.
1. Read books (my form of escapism): I have an awesome digital reader and I stocked up on real books in November. The only part of self-care that I'm missing is the fact that I'm not exercising at this time. I talked to my counsellor about this--I have a lack of motivation, loss of energy and interest--one of the activities that are easy to do (without money, without special equipment) is--ta, da----
2. walking and fresh air and lately, because I've been more housebound (medication, yoga, swimming, etc., whatever you like to do--give it a try just one more time,
3. trying new recipes and trying to include as much fruit and vegetables in them as possible,
4. looking for ready cut veggies and fruit--no effort and I don't have to think about it,
5. Short TIMED naps--if you sleep too long it interferes with night time rhythms---as I'm sure most of you know--but naps/sleeping are another form of escapism for me. I just want to leave it all behind--forget about my stresses and my anxieties--so the longer I sleep/nap---the less I have to deal with when I'm awake.
Also, although no expert, advocacy is important. You need to be your biggest advocate--your loudest spokesperson--but you don't have to do this alone--find a good psychologist or counsellor that you can relate to and that can offer you good sound advice, or call you on it when you're less than honest with yourself or your faulty thinking gets in the way. If you're on medications, don't stop them because you feel better, ask more questions when you feel better--when asked, "How are you feeling?" Be honest. Perhaps you are not on the right prescription for you or the side affects are too great. Make sure you ask to see a psychiatrist--they are few and far between but if there is one in your community, ask for a referral.
The biggest thing about self-care is looking after yourself, however you choose, in the NOW.
For now, everything else can wait.
Monday, 26 December 2011
A Reflective Time
As the days grow cold and time grows old, we approach 2012 with some wonder, mystery and hope. (Ignore those doomsayers for now.)
Yesterday was certainly a reflective time for me of days and Christmas' of the past. I remember the many Christmas' at mom and dad's around the most glorious tree, the house decorated from top to bottom with bright Christmas colours, tinsel; the smells of my favourite cookie baking; the squeals of delight from my beautiful blond-headed curly son when he opened his new fire fruck and his new tonka fruck--you get the picture.....he'd tear in head first and just swim amongst the presents, bobbing like a dolphin, feet moving in unison like a tail--lots of laughter, lots of thanks. Then those great big Christmas dinners when the rest of the family would come over and there would be more laughter, tummies so hard from laughter and turkey and the rest of those good things--almost like we would never eat again and we all swore we never would--and did. Sometimes, we'd go to mass on Christmas Eve--special nights, beautiful angels singing--magical. Later as my son got older, I got up earlier, turned on the lights of the tree, put on the coffee and the Christmas music and waited until everyone was ready to get up--at 8 a.m. that was my point of no return.
As my son grew up and I grew up alongside of him, I began to question many of our family traditions and values: Halloween, mass on Christmas Eve and Easter only, Thanksgiving, Easter, Remembrance Day----and how commercialized the world has become and each holiday is wrapped around the consumer. It's a one-upmanship between stores to see who can get the next date out before the other. I think we have Valentine's Day next--probably something in January but who really knows--Old Christmas Day. Hard to keep track for this aging mind.
This Christmas was a lean one for me and I wasn't feeling well. I didn't get all my parcels out on time, I didn't get all my presents bought, I didn't get the baking done that I really wanted to do. This Christmas I had to look after myself. For most people I told them I was unwell, tired and they accepted that. I couldn't make myself to go into the crawl space to pull up those 40 years of memories (pictures, decorations, cards)--I bought a few new non-Chrissmassy decorations angels of healing, light and forget me not and I lit candles all over the house--it was beautiful as I sat in the dark in the morning drinking my coffee--it's not light here until around 10:00 a.m. so I had a long time to reflect. A few tears were shed for the "ghosts of Christmas' past"--an honouring of my ancestors now that have passed on, an honouring of my memories that continue to haunt, tantalize and tease me into believing today is the day that little blond headed boy will come home and dive amongst the magic of Christmas.
This year was a wonderful year--I cooked the turkey, someone brought the cookies, someone else brought his heart to the table--no gifts were exchanged, laughter was loud, jokes told and we had a very special Christmas Day. My son also got engaged today.
Times are changing. It's a time to reflect, wonder and hope for all the goodness that we see, feel and hear in the world--to believe in the goodness of others; to say "I see you" and mean it; to reach out and realize you might not be able to help another person but you can support them by just being with them--side-by-side.
I'm not sure what 2012 holds for me--I would like my heart to beat freer--lighter; I want my legs to be stronger to march into 2012 with my "Rocking Babe" attitude that will define the new me! All the best in 2012 everyone!
Yesterday was certainly a reflective time for me of days and Christmas' of the past. I remember the many Christmas' at mom and dad's around the most glorious tree, the house decorated from top to bottom with bright Christmas colours, tinsel; the smells of my favourite cookie baking; the squeals of delight from my beautiful blond-headed curly son when he opened his new fire fruck and his new tonka fruck--you get the picture.....he'd tear in head first and just swim amongst the presents, bobbing like a dolphin, feet moving in unison like a tail--lots of laughter, lots of thanks. Then those great big Christmas dinners when the rest of the family would come over and there would be more laughter, tummies so hard from laughter and turkey and the rest of those good things--almost like we would never eat again and we all swore we never would--and did. Sometimes, we'd go to mass on Christmas Eve--special nights, beautiful angels singing--magical. Later as my son got older, I got up earlier, turned on the lights of the tree, put on the coffee and the Christmas music and waited until everyone was ready to get up--at 8 a.m. that was my point of no return.
As my son grew up and I grew up alongside of him, I began to question many of our family traditions and values: Halloween, mass on Christmas Eve and Easter only, Thanksgiving, Easter, Remembrance Day----and how commercialized the world has become and each holiday is wrapped around the consumer. It's a one-upmanship between stores to see who can get the next date out before the other. I think we have Valentine's Day next--probably something in January but who really knows--Old Christmas Day. Hard to keep track for this aging mind.
This Christmas was a lean one for me and I wasn't feeling well. I didn't get all my parcels out on time, I didn't get all my presents bought, I didn't get the baking done that I really wanted to do. This Christmas I had to look after myself. For most people I told them I was unwell, tired and they accepted that. I couldn't make myself to go into the crawl space to pull up those 40 years of memories (pictures, decorations, cards)--I bought a few new non-Chrissmassy decorations angels of healing, light and forget me not and I lit candles all over the house--it was beautiful as I sat in the dark in the morning drinking my coffee--it's not light here until around 10:00 a.m. so I had a long time to reflect. A few tears were shed for the "ghosts of Christmas' past"--an honouring of my ancestors now that have passed on, an honouring of my memories that continue to haunt, tantalize and tease me into believing today is the day that little blond headed boy will come home and dive amongst the magic of Christmas.
This year was a wonderful year--I cooked the turkey, someone brought the cookies, someone else brought his heart to the table--no gifts were exchanged, laughter was loud, jokes told and we had a very special Christmas Day. My son also got engaged today.
Times are changing. It's a time to reflect, wonder and hope for all the goodness that we see, feel and hear in the world--to believe in the goodness of others; to say "I see you" and mean it; to reach out and realize you might not be able to help another person but you can support them by just being with them--side-by-side.
I'm not sure what 2012 holds for me--I would like my heart to beat freer--lighter; I want my legs to be stronger to march into 2012 with my "Rocking Babe" attitude that will define the new me! All the best in 2012 everyone!
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Time does not stand still--
It's the end of 2011--I'm 47--I'm trying to reflect on all the good I have contributed to the world, my town, my family. I can't say I have a stellar 10/10 for any of these areas. I guess what I do is try and that's all I can ask of myself or anyone. Try to give back, try to make amends, try to see the good in others as well as myself.
I have had a long standing battle with depression and anxiety--this week, of course, depressed and anxious--normal, of course, for this time of the year. Yesterday, I went for a two hour walk in the snow and came home, locked my doors, barricaded the doors with chairs and pulled out a very nice knife. (You can insert reality anywhere here.) I've recently experienced a change in my medications, and then some more have been added--I've gone through hysteria, suicidal thoughts, to a quiet contemplation of what does life and living mean to me. I didn't unlock my doors, I didn't take the barricades away until I got up this morning. I haven't put away the knife but that's next. I'm on artificial calming agents right now that just help me to honour and calm my spirit and my energy (negative or positive) and my racing mind.
Trauma is a funny thing. It comes back when you least expect it. I've labelled it as PSTD but I'm not sure if that is what it is. My body is so sensitive to chemical changes (real or synthetic) that when I'm going down, I'm totally aware that my boat is sinking. I'm totally aware that this time, I might not be able to get out by myself. I try to stay connected to reality through friends, through my counsellor, through the folks on my medical team and I am honest with myself. Most of my immediate family is aware but haven't explained to them what happened to me that keeps coming back on occasion and throws me for a loop.
Today, I'm grateful for all my friends that care, even though they may not understand what I'm going through at times, I'm grateful for the quiet and the silence. I'm grateful for the counsellor that has been calling me every day to make sure I made it through one more night.....
As all know, time does not stand still, I have to learn a maintenance pattern as I realize that I'm not going to get well even though I am looking every day for a cure. Many people, friends included, don't understand the enormity of the pressures under which I live--that I try to be surface happy, so that others don't worry about me. I don't want to interfere with their lives and it's a real downer when you have a down friend that should get up and heal on her own....
Time stands still only for the moment that you make the decision to change your life and the lives of others forever.... time will keep marching on with or without you.
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