Time does not stand still--

It's the end of 2011--I'm 47--I'm trying to reflect on all the good I have contributed to the world, my town, my family.  I can't say I have a stellar 10/10 for any of these areas.  I guess what I do is try and that's all I can ask of myself or anyone.  Try to give back, try to make amends, try to see the good in others as well as myself.  

I have had a long standing battle with depression and anxiety--this week, of course, depressed and anxious--normal, of course, for this time of the year.  Yesterday, I went for a two hour walk in the snow and came home, locked my doors, barricaded the doors with chairs and pulled out a very nice knife.  (You can insert reality anywhere here.)  I've recently experienced a change in my medications, and then some more have been added--I've gone through hysteria, suicidal thoughts, to a quiet contemplation of what does life and living mean to me.  I didn't unlock my doors, I didn't take the barricades away until I got up this morning.   I haven't put away the knife but that's next.  I'm on artificial calming agents right now that just help me to honour and calm my spirit and my energy (negative or positive) and my racing mind.  

Trauma is a funny thing.  It comes back when you least expect it.  I've labelled it as PSTD but I'm not sure if that is what it is.  My body is so sensitive to chemical changes (real or synthetic) that when I'm going down, I'm totally aware that my boat is sinking.  I'm totally aware that this time, I might not be able to get out by myself.  I try to stay connected to reality through friends, through my counsellor, through the folks on my medical team and I am honest with myself.  Most of my immediate family is aware but  haven't explained to them what happened to me that keeps coming back on occasion and throws me for a loop.

Today, I'm grateful for all my friends that care, even though they may not understand what I'm going through at times, I'm grateful for the quiet and the silence.  I'm grateful for the counsellor that has been calling me every day to make sure I made it through one more night.....

As all know, time does not stand still, I have to learn a maintenance pattern as I realize that I'm not going to get well even though I am looking every day for a cure.  Many people, friends included, don't understand the enormity of the pressures under which I live--that I try to be surface happy, so that others don't worry about me.  I don't want to interfere with their lives and it's a real downer when you have a down friend that should get up and heal on her own....

Time stands still only for the moment that you make the decision to change your life and the lives of others forever.... time will keep marching on with or without you.