A House Half Full

for several nights I have been awakening to water rushing into my crawl space, and I listen very carefully before panicking as what I've discovered is another waking hallucination.  Every night, I wake to the sound of rushing water, filling up that crawl space and it helps me to think about, "Is my house half empty or is my glass house half full?"

I think it's good to take an inventory of ones life on occasion and I have been contemplating my house half full dream for a few weeks.  In past blogs I wrote about the stresses of mental health, and physical health--sometimes the funny crazy things that I'm thinking or dreaming, but I've come to a fork in the road and I've been standing there contemplating which path have I NOT taken.....and if I really want to make that choice--house and life moving from cliche to cliche.

I had one great week, mental health wise, this past month and now I appear to be on a reflective spiral down.  There is a sadness that envelops my shell no matter how hard the dog tries to play or the sun shines in my eyes, I am unable to stop it from filling my heart.  I think it's time for a change at work, a time for a change in where I live, a time for a change in how I live my life--but I have certain fears that keep me from making decisions that were there before but I didn't let them stop me from moving on or making a move regardless of the outcome.

I am on full-time long-term disability now--I have all 5 work days off.  At first, this was something that was a blessing--I couldn't have gone to work, even if prodded with a 5 iron--January 31st there was a break in the weather from 40 below to something that allowed me to get outside in the sunshine, I had heard my mom was coming home from the hospital, I had checked somethings off my list that I hadn't completed in a month or more (small things that give you big satisfaction) and I had so much energy that I was busy from morning til night---go, go, go and even my medications felt like they were right on--my house half full---moving in the right direction.  Then, news that mom was delayed in the hospital for the last two weeks, more blood transfusions for her; that my work was placing me on leave without pay and all the things that go with that and assurance companies--thank goodness I did my financial stuff last month otherwise I would be in a pickle.  Outside forces are bringing me down and I am tired--exhausted tired.

On the plus side I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love. and I felt hopeful (I'm a sap) and very interested in Ryan Gosling now--do they make men like that?; I picked up my business license, business cards and labels; I've been taking time to write friends notes and cards again--the old-fashioned way as I used to as email makes it difficult to create sincere caring for others.  I've gone out to dinner with old friends, I've reconnected with my dad, and I've been out walking in the sunshine for the last week with my pup.    I've made good connections towards remaining grounded.  I'm trying to focus on the sun shining--I'm looking forward to my walk later.  It's -1 today--the sky is melting....  Although I got up this morning and my house was half empty, it now appears to be half full--I just needed to count my blessings--I just need to keep moving forward--thinking forward--thinking sunshine for my day is a good day!