As part of my healing journey I have been considering the people and life events that are important to me. I have been in a period of reflection and perhaps not making good decisions but decisions none the less. I have needed to take time off work to get healthy from my latest mental health fiasco at Christmas and that will likely continue until June as I have some physical health issues that I also need to attend to and will beginning this week--I was experiencing side effects that I thought were drug related and they are apparently blood sugar related--I'm now pre-diabetic. I'm working with a dietician and on Monday I meet with a person who can help me with eating disorders and building back my athletic physique. (3 years ago I looked damn fine, but who wouldn't on eating 500 calories a day and burning 3000 calories in manic exercise)--vegetarian athlete, anorexic athlete, then an anorexic vegetarian that binge exercises--all good fun labels at the time. I didn't start to worry until I began losing 1 pound a day. Yeah--I need to get healthy in all ways.
The first time I dropped to my knees and held my head in my hands, was in 2009. That was a big milestone having (NOT) "dealt" with depression all my life and then coming out of an abusive relationship; my grandmother dying, having a hysterectomy--big year, big consequences. I marked that year with a rose. My parents divorcing in 2005, that's another rose; the birth of a son in 1984; another rose for a life unborn that never that never saw the sun. The final rose, is for me. 2012. 2 + 0 + 1 + 2 = 5 roses. 5 is a significant and powerful number in my life and always has been. A powerful prime number. This year, the significance is that I was born in the year of the Dragon (an even numbered year divisible by 4---1+9+6+4 divided by 4 = 5). Water bearing dragon--good luck dragon. This is the year, I have chosen to heal my wounds and to mark my significant life events on my body in the form of tattoos beginning with my lower left arm. The roses, as one friend so accurately recalled, are my safe place--a place for me to focus--to bring awareness to my actions and thoughts. When I stare at the rose, I recall the pungent fragrance, the beautiful fuchsia leaves, the prickly thistles, and then in the fall, the bright red of ripening of the seeds when they are good to pick for tea, bulging in healing vitamin C and are sweet to taste.
My friends, my memories will be captured by a life tattoo already started. My wild roses came first, next will be northern medicinal plants, berries and shrubs: rosehips, cranberries, juniper, all those healing plants. Memories of my time in the North--as my focus and interest for the last 3 years as I struggled with my mental health issues, my physical issues--I turned to plant identification and medicinal uses of plants.
When I decided to permanently mark my body with a tattoo of strong importance it was not an overnight decision. It took me many years to think of something that was important enough to me that I could connect to. I actually took some pleasure out of shocking people who wouldn't expect me to get a tattoo (mostly my mother--she still doesn't like my nose piercing)--and older friends, that I don't want to show until it is complete. I don't need judgment now. I'm freewheeling the deck I'm dealt--I'm moving with the music strumming inside the head and body. If I want, I shall have--(and I'll be laughing for a long time to come).
High 5 everyone!!! Have a good day! C.
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